Wildlife in United States - Types of USA Animals

Why A Pet's Death Can Hurt Worse Than Losing A Human Loved One

My first real pet was an auburn tabby named Lauren with a pinched face and a puffy tail. I picked her up in Silver Spring, Md., in September 2021, and by the time we got to my house in D.C. 30 minutes later, I was completely in love.

The immediacy — and intensity — of how I felt about her was surprising and unfamiliar. And so was the emptiness that came with losing her only seven months later. (She was barely 1 year old and had developed FIP, a deadly strain of feline coronavirus that typically affects young cats.)

"When you lose anybody, pet or human, that you're really close to, it can feel like the world is ending," says Jennifer Golbeck, a computer science professor at the University of Maryland and researcher of human-animal bonds. "Most people think of their pets as family members. … Sometimes, they consider their relationships with their dogs closer than their relationships with most of their family members. It's actually a really profound relationship, and when we lose them, our psychological needs are to grieve them in the same way we would grieve any relationship that is that profound."

When we adopt pets, we know we're entering a relationship that will, most likely, end in loss. But for many people, pet grief can nonetheless be surprisingly devastating when it happens. Research shows that grief following the loss of a pet can be comparable to losing a person and, in some cases, even more complicated. Often, this pain is amplified by guilt ("I should've taken him in sooner") and feelings of being misunderstood ("It's just an animal"), all the more reason that pet owners, researchers and counselors are exploring ways to comfort owners through loss and keep their pets' memories alive.

A unique loss

Golbeck, who also runs a rescue for golden retrievers, says that compared with our human relationships, the ones we form with our animals are "purely good." Our close relationships with other people, even the most loving, are fraught; they ask us to examine our faults and shortcomings. We misunderstand each other, we hurt each other, we give and take. With pets, there is a simplicity to what they provide us — and what we give them — that can't be replicated with humans. This can make losing their companionship all the more complex.

"[Dogs] kind of enter your life with a preexisting, unconditional excitement for who you are," says David Freifeld, a Brooklyn resident who grew up with dogs. He and his wife, Elena, said goodbye to their 4-year-old bernedoodle, Ramy, earlier this year, after he was diagnosed with a dangerous neurological condition. "From the moment [Ramy] came home, he just was like, 'What do you want to do today? I love you!'"

Ramy's death was not Freifeld's first experience with premature loss — when he was in college, his dad died — but he says it was uniquely painful. Before Freifeld's father died, he had a chance to communicate with him about his death, discussing what his father wanted and making decisions as a family. Obviously, he couldn't do the same with Ramy, a creature who looked to Freifeld with complete trust.

"It's a special relationship or a special responsibility that we take on, as the people responsible to keep them safe and healthy and alive … to then have to make the decision for them to die, it goes against everything," says Michelle Crossley, an associate professor of clinical mental health counseling at Rhode Island College and vice president of the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement. "That's super challenging for folks to wrap their heads around; people end up experiencing some guilt."

For the Freifelds, those last five days at home before Ramy was euthanized felt like a sort of one-sided hospice. They knew what was coming, but Ramy looked at them exactly the same.

"Because there's this profound sense of loyalty, I think most people almost feel like they don't deserve it, when they have a pet. You feel so responsible for something that is so committed to you," Freifeld says. "I didn't want him to feel like we had abandoned him."

For others, losing a pet means mourning the constant shadow of comfort that's accompanied them through various phases of life. While we love our parents or friends or relatives, often it's our pets that are physically there as we traverse milestones such as moving out, getting married or having children. For 22-year-old Jackie Llanos, her schnauzer, Nacho, stuck by her side through a move to an entirely new country. She, her mom, her three sisters and 4-year-old Nacho emigrated from Bogotá, Colombia, to Stafford, Va., in 2013.

"I think I really clinged to him when I was upset, experiencing all of these changes and not being able to communicate with the other kids," she says. "He was just always a constant."

Llanos is now a reporter in Florida, which means her mother had become Nacho's primary caretaker in recent years. She called Llanos this past May to let her know that Nacho wasn't eating and that it was probably time to say goodbye. A few hours before the vet appointment that Llanos scheduled for him, the 15-year-old dog passed away at home.

"It feels like the end of childhood in a way," she says. "It just feels like one less connection back to my childhood in Colombia."

Mourning alone

Losing a beloved pet can also feel especially lonely. Not only is the home literally emptier, but other (non-pet-owning) humans might have difficulty empathizing.

"People will grieve in isolation because they don't want to be invalidated in how distraught they are," Crossley says. "One of the comments people will say is just, 'It's a pet; get another one.'"

Golbeck began researching pet loss while in a master's psychology course; the class was studying "disenfranchised grief," or the concept that some deaths are not societally legitimized or publicly mourned. Though they were focused on example such as AIDS deaths in the 1980s and deaths by suicide and overdose, she realized that pet loss may fall into this category, too.

"The tools that we would normally use for grief, and the kind of support that we get for grief and the loss of people, we don't get that with [pets]," Golbeck says.

After the death of her cat Rupert, Virginia resident Page Shewey says some people didn't understand why she was having such a hard time. As a result, she began to question whether the intensity of her grief meant something was wrong with her, or if it somehow meant she hadn't properly grieved the human loved ones she'd lost.

"You don't know what to feel," Shewey says. "You're like, 'Should I not be this upset? Is there something wrong with me for feeling this upset after the loss of a pet?'"

Golbeck says a way to legitimize your grief is to find people who will take it seriously — even if that requires venturing beyond your usual circle. Demand for spots in pet grief support groups has ballooned, especially since the pandemic, and online forums exist for various kinds of pet loss. At the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement, Crossley opens old-school chatrooms daily for folks to talk through what they're experiencing.

When Lauren passed, I spent hours online, trawling Q&A forums about pet loss and Facebook groups for owners whose cats were diagnosed with FIP. In the months after she died, just reading the comment section of a TikTok about losing a cat could make me feel a little less perplexed by my emotional response.

Memorializing and moving on

Even if it's not recognized by anyone but you, Crossley says, creating some type of memorial or ritual to honor your pet can help with processing the loss, whether that's creating a planter with their food bowl or saving their collar. If it's painful to encounter constant reminders of your pet — and you can't bring yourself to pack up their things on your own — you may want to enlist a friend or family member to remove and donate the items. (The Freifelds donated Ramy's bed and got teary when the new owner sent a picture of their dog sniffing the fabric, presumably detecting Ramy's scent.)

Crossley has also encouraged people struggling with guilt to write a letter to their pet, expressing everything they wished their pet could know. Then, write a response from the pet's point of view, focusing on the ways in which the person created happy, healthy memories for them both. The "what could I have done differently" feelings won't dissipate immediately, but Crossley says forgiving yourself is key to getting better.

"We used to call it closure, but then closure feels so permanent, as if I will never think about this ever again," she says. Instead, she recommends people view "resolution" as a goal in the grieving process. "With resolution, the thing that I ask folks to respond to is: When was your pet happiest? Was it when you were mad and angry and crying, or were they happy when you were happy? To honor our pets, we can remember them in these happy moments and to not be in so much pain."

After Lauren died, I left her things as they were for a few days; her food bowl next to my bedroom door, the syringe I'd been using to force-feed her water on my dresser, toys strewn around the floor. In bed, I'd cautiously adjust my legs, scanning my comforter for the dark lump that was supposed to be at my feet. But eventually, it got easier. By the following week, I gathered her belongings and moved them to the attic, "just in case" I got another cat.

Less than a year later, I met Mouse, a tabby kitten whom I've grown to love as much as Lauren — just differently. I know losing him will be equally devastating. But as Golbeck says: "In exchange for a lifetime of love and good memories, the price that we pay is the one worst day of our lives."

correction

A previous version of this article incorrectly stated that Nacho, the schnauzer belonging to Jackie Llanos, was 11 years old when he died. He was 15. The article has been corrected.

Is Your Pet A Piece Of Property Or A Beloved Family Member?

Group of different kind of pets, like cat, dog, rabbit, mouse, chinchilla, guinea pig, bird and fish ... [+] on a white background with space for copy

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Do we refer to our pets as property- a piece of furniture or a lamp? Do we sleep with our furniture or lamps or call them by name into bed at night? Do we take the sofa for a walk or groom it regularly and lovingly with special brushes and bath soaps? Do we name our furniture? Do we refer to ourselves as mommy or daddy about furniture?

When we lay our pets down for their final rest aren't we bereft with grief and sadness, tears of loss? Do we feel the same way when we haul a sofa off to be junked?

We have pet cemeteries. For old used furniture, we have junk yards.

Is a pet property or a family member? It depends on where you live.

"In law, animals were considered and still are considered chattels, the object of property rights. This classification does not reflect the characteristics and capacities of nonhuman animals that make then unlike other objects of property."

The classification of pets as chattel has begun to change as the characteristics of pets as unique and special members of human families has taken hold and is recognized in some states. That uniqueness is what sets them apart from furniture or things such that the states have begun to legally recognize them as worthy of their care being considered in a divorce or separation of their "keepers".

What States Consider the Pet's Well-Being or Best Interest?

Only eight states consider the pet's wellbeing or best interest in a determination as to joint or sole ownership of the pet after divorce: Alaska, California, Illinois, Maine, New Hampshire, New York, Rhode Island and Washington DC. In its justification for the bill, the New York legislature reasoned, "For many families, pets are the equivalent of children and must be granted more consideration by courts to ensure that they will be properly cared for after a divorce" (Senate Introducer's Mem in Support, Bill Jacket, L 2021, ch 509 at 6).

Texas and Vermont consider special circumstances in a divorce in which there are pets. Texas treats pets generally as community property. Vermont may consider the welfare of the animal, including it's daily routines, how it is cared for and the pet's emotional connection to the owners and it's best interest.

Pets are Property in Most States.

Most other states consider pets as personal property or chattel. The general rule being that whoever purchased the pet or was the pet's primary care giver is awarded custody. If you owned the pet before marriage, the pet is your separate property.

Litigating Pet Custody.

Just as in litigating child custody, litigating pet custody requires proving that you were the primary care giver of the animal. This requires proof as to who fed the animal, who took the animal for walks, who groomed the animal such as brushing and bathing, who took the animal to his/her Vet's appointments, who socialized with the animal. If you are found to be the primary care provider, you are likely to obtain custody of the pet.

Title has relevance to proving you are the pet's care provider so documents with yours and the pet's name such as adoption or purchase records, pet registration records, vet bills and records, microchip records, receipts for toys food etc. And scheduling pet care records could all help to provide proof that you are the pet's primary caretaker.

Claiming that the animal is a companion animal places the focus on the litigant's needs and not on the pet's needs. The court is looking at the best interest of the pet not those of the person.

Future Care of Pet

You might also need to show that you are financially capable of providing for the pet in terms of housing him/her, providing a bed, food, space and that you will be home enough to care for the pet and not leave the pet isolated or alone for long parts of the day.

Pets are included in Protective Orders.

More states than not include companion animals in protective orders. Only Idaho, Montana, North Dakota, So Dakota, Kansas, New Mexico, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia and Pennsylvania do not. All other states have provisions that allow the Courts to include animals in protective orders.

Pets are considered more human-like for purposes of protective orders than who they live with.

Forty states include pets in restraining orders while only eight states have laws to consider their best interest as to their custody. If pets are "human like" enough to protect from domestic violence their "best interest" or wellbeing should be considered as to their custody. They are not pieces of furniture or lamps to be divided based on cost or value or who paid for it. They are important and very special members of the families to which they belong. They deserve to be treated as such in every state.

My Sister Insists On Bringing Her Demon Dog To My Wedding — So I Disinvited Her

A Reddit user who did not invite his sister's dog to his wedding is not wrong to want to exclude his sister from the event altogether, two family therapists told Fox News Digital.

"AITA for not inviting my sister to my wedding because she always brings her dog?" asked Reddit user "ThinkerofLimgrad" in a June 27 post on "Am I the A–hole" subreddit. 

In his post, the individual said he's a 26-year-old man who is getting married in a few months. 

"One of the issues I've run into is my sister (28F) and her dog," he wrote. 

"My sister is obsessed with her dog, a large and somewhat poorly trained Bernese mountain dog." He added that the dog is "cute but a demon." 

His sister "takes it everywhere with her, including family gatherings, despite the fact that many of us have asked her not to," the man wrote. 

Previously, the dog caused "a lot of problems," said ThinkerofLimgrad, including knocking over guests and destroying party decorations.

A Reddit user who did not invite his sister's dog to his wedding is not wrong to want to exclude his sister from the event altogether, according to therapists. Shchus – stock.Adobe.Com

"At our family's holiday dinner last year, it ate part of the turkey off the table when no one was looking," the man wrote. "My sister always brushes it off, saying her dog is just energetic and friendly."

When the soon-to-be-married man sent out the wedding invitations, he declined to include the dog in the invite.

"I know she will bring it anyway if I just ask her not to, so I told her that she can't bring the dog and that if she does, she won't be allowed in," he said — which made his sister "furious."

She "said that if her dog isn't welcome, she isn't coming either" — and said that he did not care about her happiness. 

"My sister is obsessed with her dog, a large and somewhat poorly trained Bernese mountain dog," said Reddit user "ThinkerofLimgrad" in a June 27 post, adding that the dog is "cute but a demon."

"My parents think I should just let her bring the dog to keep the peace, but my fiancée and I are firm on this," wrote ThinkerofLimgrad, adding that the couple "want our wedding to be a calm and beautiful day without any chaos." 

He noted, "I've tried to compromise by suggesting she find a pet sitter for the day, but she refused and insists that her dog is part of the family."

Fox News Digital reached out to ThinkerofLimgrad for any updates about the situation. 

Two family relationship experts told Fox News Digital on Thursday that the man is not being unreasonable by excluding his sister's dog from his wedding day – and that there may be deeper issues at play than just a dog. 

"This is a classic example of dysfunctional family dynamics," Nina Batista, a Florida-based relationship and trauma therapist, said via email. 

Additionally, "there seems to be a lack of firm boundaries and respect for boundaries," she said.  

"Ultimately," Batista said, "it is your wedding, it is your day, you decide what you are willing and unwilling to tolerate." 

If ThinkerofLimgrad is OK with his sister not attending the wedding if her dog cannot come, then he should "stick firm" on that, she said. 

Another therapist offered a similar sentiment, saying the situation involves more than just a dog. 

"It's about family relationships and how we communicate our needs," Brianna Paruolo, a New York-based therapist, said in an email. 

When the soon-to-be-married man sent out the wedding invitations, he declined to include the dog in the invite. Wolfhound911 – stock.Adobe.Com

The man on Reddit "is right to set boundaries, but it's normal to feel guilty," Paruolo said.

When speaking to his family, "it's a great idea for [ThinkerofLimgrad] to use 'I' statements," she said. 

"For example, he could say something like, 'I want my wedding day to be special, and I'm worried about how the dog might affect that. Can we talk about how to make this work for everyone?'" Paruolo said. 

Further, "It might help to dig deeper into why this is such a big deal for [the] sister," Paruolo said, as well as why the young people's parents are taking sides in the situation. 

Two family relationship experts said that the man is not being unreasonable by excluding his sister's dog, and that could be deeper issues at play. Tanapong – stock.Adobe.Com

"Sometimes, small arguments like this are actually about bigger family issues that haven't been talked about," she said. 

As the wedding day approaches, ThinkerofLimgrad should "keep talking openly and honestly," which just might "solve the dog problem and strengthen his relationship with his sister and parents," Paruolo said. 

"Who knows? This wedding planning challenge could actually bring the family closer together in the long run," she said. 

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ThinkerofLimgrad's story received over 800 responses within hours of its posting – with most people saying he is not wrong for wanting a dog-free wedding.

"NTA. 'Keep the peace.' This simply means, 'Your wishes mean nothing and your sister's wishes mean everything.' Your parents would prefer a pretense of a happy family and a ruined wedding than any sort of perceived 'bad blood,'" said Reddit user "FuzzyMom2005" in the top reply to the post.

FuzzyMom2005 continued, "Ignore the bullying. Get security to make sure your sister doesn't show up at the wedding or reception. Tell your parents this is not your sister's day and if they can't see that, they can stay home, too." 

If ThinkerofLimgrad is OK with his sister not attending the wedding if her dog cannot come, then he should "stick firm" on that, one of the therapists said.  wavebreak3 – stock.Adobe.Com

Another Reddit user encouraged ThinkerofLimgrad to stick to his beliefs.

"NTA – I love my dog and call her my 'child,' but there's no way I would bring her to a wedding! Stay firm," said user "UnfairMilk8555." 

"Also, your sister might need some therapy. And your parents need to step up and respect you as well," said the same commenter. 

"They should tell your sister that the day isn't about her, and that if she wants to keep the peace, she should leave her dog at home."

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